Readers, you may recall that I am engaged in an epic struggle right now. You see, I am battling it out for the title of Best Body 2007, and unfortunately, the most exercise that 2007 has held for me so far has been at the mall where the only way to get to my favorite store is to go up an escalator. Now, in my defense, I always choose to walk up the escalator, rather than let it do all the work for me, but I am the first to admit that climbing up one set of moving stairs in a weekend is not exactly preparing me for the Ironwoman competition.

One reason that I have not yet formed incredibly healthy exercise habits is that I have been waiting for my student card to come through from my new post-secondary institution. You see, my card from my alma mater university expired in August, and my last gym pass lasted until December, but I cannot renew my membership at the reduced student rate without a valid student card. Now I finally have the new card and can buy a new gym pass at the rate reserved specially for poverty-stricken (but educated!) young people like myself. I intend to do this tomorrow, first thing after work.

Since I have had to wait to commence my exercise regimen, I have been taking other measures to jumpstart my body-reforming program for the new year. I have begun consuming a lot of homemade cabbage soup, which has little to no calories, and with the addition of hot sauce for some flavor, is great before a meal to help fill me up a bit before I ravage my main meal like a wild animal.

I am trying to eat mostly salads with a healthy protein, like grilled chicken. You have no idea how hard this is when you work at a restaurant. Not only are you surrounded by food all day long, but it is delicious gourmet food, prepared with delectable things like heavy cream, real butter, lots of garlic, and perfectly aged cheeses. Plus, this bevy of delights is available at a deliciously reduced price, courtesy of our staff discount. As if that weren't enough, whenever the kitchen makes a mistake, or an extra order of food is made that can't be used and hasn't gone out to the table, the food is placed in the back where it is almost instantly devoured by whatever serving staff is lucky enough to be hanging around at that moment. This can be anything from a small salad to a premium sirloin to a chocolate torte, and when you are on your feet for hours on end, any morsel is likely to tempt you; it is extremely hard to resist. So readers, cut me some slack if I take some time to succeed in my quest for bodily beauty while at my humble workplace. No wait, forget that- cut me no slack! Challenge and motivate me instead!

I have also begun to take vitamins. These are not just any vitamins, though- they are high quality, mail-order, you-must-know-a-dealer-to-get-them vitamins. My parents both take them and swear by them, and insist that I take no other kind, so I have given in and let them order stacks of them for me through their shady vitamin-dealer friends. They come in the mail with fancy packaging and free samples of their nutrition bars and spa-quality skin care products, which I happily use up while swallowing the massive pills that are chock full of essential nutrients.

I don't mind taking the vitamins and minerals, when I can remember to, but there is one pill that I am having a lot of trouble stomaching. You see, I don't eat any red meat, pork, or seafood, and thus try to be careful to consume important nutrients from other sources. One of these nutrients is Omega-3 fatty acids, which are necessary for proper cardiac function and are great for the brain, not to metion the skin and hair. Since Omega-3s are found most densely in fish, I have a problem getting them. Therefore, I have let my parents order me some fish oil capsules that apparently contain all those great fatty acids without the trauma of actually having to eat some sea-born creature.

Sounds like the perfect solution, right? Not quite. The problem is, those hefty little capsules really do contain pure fish oil, and it is potent stuff. So even though I take them with meals and plenty of water, every hiccup and exhalation and even the tiniest burp for an hour or so after I've taken the dosage tastes like briny, fresher-than-fresh fish. It is positively disgusting. It probably smells like fish, too, though no one's ever really been close enough to be affected . . . yet.

I don't know what to do! I am plagued by the necessary fishiness of my desired healthiness! I do want to have a glowing complexion and shiny hair, and I certainly value my cerebral and cardiac functions, but I just don't know if the fishy trade-off is worth it!

If you have any suggestions, readers, do let me know. In the meantime, I will do some research on other significant sources of Omega-3s, and try to keep my exhalations to myself.